What is domestic abuse and violence?

Everyone gets angry from time to time. Anger and arguments are normal parts of healthy relationships. But anger that leads to threatening, hitting, or hurting someone is not normal or healthy. It's a form of abuse. Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse is not okay in any relationship. When it occurs between spouses or partners or in a dating relationship, it is called intimate partner violence. This is a type of domestic abuse.

Domestic abuse is also called domestic violence. It isn't the same as having an argument now and then. It is a pattern of abuse that one person may use to control another.

Domestic violence can happen to anyone, at any age. It doesn't matter what race, religion, or gender people are, what their level of education is, or how much money they make. It's a common problem in the United States.

Signs of abuse

Does someone in your life:

• Embarrass you with put-downs?
• Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
• Control what you do, who you see or talk to, or where you go?
• Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
• Take your money or paychecks, make you ask for money, or refuse to give you money?
• Make all of the decisions?
• Tell you that you're a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
• Prevent you from working or going to school?
• Act like the abuse is no big deal or is your fault, or even deny doing it?
• Destroy your property or threaten to hurt or kill your pets?
• Intimidate you with guns, knives, or other weapons?
• Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
• Threaten to kill themself?
• Threaten to kill you?
• Prevent you from using birth control or from protecting yourself from sexually transmitted infections (STIs)/HIV?

If any of these things are happening, you need to get help. It's important to know that you are not alone and the abuse isn't your fault. There is no excuse for domestic abuse or violence. There are resources available that can help keep you safe.

Domestic abuse and your health

Living in an abusive relationship can cause long-term health problems. These include:

• Physical problems, such as migraine headaches; arthritis; or long-term neck, back, belly, or pelvic pain.
• Mental health conditions, such as depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and substance use disorder.

People who are sexually abused by their partners have a higher chance of having sexually transmitted infections, unplanned pregnancy, and other problems.

Abuse can happen more often and get worse during pregnancy. People who are abused are more likely to have problems such as low weight gain, anemia, infections, and bleeding during pregnancy. Abuse during this time may increase the baby's risk of low birth weight, premature birth, or death.

How to get help

Abusers often blame the victim for the abuse. They may say "you made me do it." This is not true. People are responsible for their own actions. They may say they're sorry and tell you it will never happen again, even though it already has.

If you are in an abusive relationship, ask for help. This may be hard, but know that you aren't alone. Ask family and friends for help and support. Your doctor, a counselor, your employer, or a faith leader can help you connect with resources for people experiencing abuse. National hotlines can also help you find resources in your area.

Intimate partner violence can be very dangerous. It can cause serious, repeated injury. It can even lead to death.

All forms of abuse can cause long-term health problems from the stress of a violent relationship. Verbal abuse can lead to sexual and physical abuse.

Abuse causes:

• Emotional pain.
• Depression.
• Anxiety.
• Post-traumatic stress.

Sexual abuse can lead to sexually transmitted infections (such as HIV/AIDS) and unplanned pregnancy.

Pregnancy can be a very dangerous time for people in abusive relationships. Abuse can cause or increase the risk of problems during pregnancy. These include low weight gain, anemia, infections, and bleeding. Abuse may also increase your baby's risk of low birth weight, premature birth, and death.

It can be hard for some victims of abuse to ask for help or to leave their relationship. You may feel scared, stuck, or not sure what steps to take. But it's important not to ignore abuse. Talking to someone you trust could be the first step to ending the abuse and taking care of your own health and happiness again. There are resources available that can help keep you safe.

Intimate partner violence—a type of domestic violence—can take many forms. It can affect your mind and emotions, or it can be physical or dangerous to your life. If you're not sure if you're being abused, ask yourself the following questions.

Does your partner:

• Hit, shove, slap, kick, punch, or choke you?
• Threaten to hurt or kill you?
• Call you names or tell you that you are crazy?
• Criticize things you do or say, or criticize how you look?
• Hurt your pets or destroy things that are special to you?
• Blame you for the abuse they commit?
• Limit where you can go, what you can do, and who you can talk to?
• Unexpectedly check up on you at your workplace, home, school, or elsewhere?
• Try to convince or force you to have sex, perform sexual acts you're not comfortable with, or sexually assault you?
• Threaten to have you deported?
• Apologize and tell you it will never happen again (even though it already has)?
• Control all your money and finances?
• Keep you away from family and friends?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship. There are people who can help you. You are not alone. Talk to someone you trust, such as a friend or a doctor. Or get help from a center for victims of domestic violence. Talking with someone can help you make the changes you need to stay safe.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you find resources in your area. This nationwide database has detailed information on domestic violence shelters, other emergency shelters, legal support and assistance programs, and social service programs.

• Call 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233).
• Call 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).
• Visit the website: www.thehotline.org.

Abuse can happen in different ways. Each type can happen on its own or in combination with others.

Emotional abuse

Emotional abuse is a pattern of threats, insults, or controlling behavior. It includes verbal abuse. It goes beyond healthy disagreements in a relationship. It's a sign of an unhealthy relationship.

Do you feel threatened, intimidated, or controlled?

Does your partner:

• Threaten your children, other family members, or pets?
• Use jokes meant to embarrass or shame you?
• Call you names?
• Tell you that you are a bad parent?
• Threaten to take away your children?
• Threaten to have you or your family members deported?
• Control your access to money or other basic needs?
• Control what you do, who you see or talk to, or where you go?

Another form of emotional abuse is denying that it is happening. Or the abuser may act like the abuse is no big deal or is your fault.

Sexual abuse

With sexual abuse, abusers may try to convince or force you to have sex. They may force you into sex acts you're not comfortable with. Or they may sexually assault you. Sexual abuse can happen even if you are in a committed relationship.

Physical abuse

Physical abuse means that a partner hits, kicks, or does something else to physically hurt you. Physical abuse that starts with a slap might lead to kicking, shoving, and choking over time. The abuser may also threaten to hurt or kill you.

Stalking

Stalking means that an abuser gives you attention that you do not want and that causes you fear. Examples of stalking include:

• Following you.
• Showing up at places where the abuser isn't invited, such as at your work or school.
• Constantly calling or texting you.

Here are some things you can do to help a friend or family member who is in an abusive relationship:

• Let your friend know that you are willing to listen whenever they want to talk. Don't confront your friend if they're not ready to talk. Encourage your friend to talk to their doctor or a counselor. If your friend is someone you work with, suggest they talk to the human resources manager or their supervisor to see what resources might be available.
• Tell your friend that the abuse is not their fault and that no one deserves to be abused. Remind them that domestic violence is against the law and that help is available. Be understanding if your friend is unable to leave. They likely know the situation best and when it is safest to leave.
• If your friend has children, gently point out that you are concerned that the violence is affecting the kids. Sometimes it's hard for people in abusive situations to see the harm it has on their children.
• Encourage and help your friend make a plan for staying safe while in an abusive relationship. Support your friend if they are preparing to leave a violent relationship. Learn about how the person can stay safe after leaving.
• The most dangerous time may be when your friend is leaving the abusive relationship. So make sure that any advice you give about leaving is informed and practical.

The most important step is to help your friend contact local domestic violence groups. There are local programs across the country that provide options for safety, support, needed information and services, and legal support. To find the nearest program, call:

• The National Domestic Violence Hotline toll-free at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233). Or go to www.thehotline.org to visit the website.
• The National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline toll-free at 1-866-331-9474 or (1-866-331-8453 TTY).

Be careful giving your friend written information. It may not be safe for them to take it home. See if you can keep it for them. Your friend should be careful online too. Their online activity may be seen by others. They shouldn't use their personal computer or device to search for these programs. Offer to let your friend use your computer or device. Or they could use a safe computer at work or a library.

Pregnancy can be an especially dangerous time for people who are in abusive relationships. Abuse can cause or increase the risk of problems during pregnancy, such as low weight gain, anemia, infections, and bleeding.

Abuse can happen more often and get worse when you are pregnant. It is dangerous for both you and your baby. It can raise your baby's risk of low birth weight, premature birth, and death.

People who are not abused might find it hard to understand why anyone would stay in an abusive relationship. Victims are often blamed. Some people falsely believe that if a person stays, they must be weak or needy. This is not true.

Changing or ending any relationship is hard. It can be even harder when the relationship is abusive. People stay for many reasons.

Conflicting emotions.

Abusers use verbal, emotional, and physical violence along with apologies, promises, and affection to control their victims. A victim may hold on to the hope that the abuser will change. Along with painful times, there may be loving moments. The abuser may also be the only one providing financial support for the family.

Shame.

Victims often feel a lot of shame and embarrassment and use denial as a way of coping with the abuse.

Safety concerns.

In many cases, the abuser has threatened to kill their partner, themself, or the children if their partner tries to leave.

Lack of money and resources.

Money is often tightly controlled, so a victim may fear losing financial support and may question how they will be able to support themself and their children. People who are elderly or have disabilities may not feel that they have any other options than to stay with the abusive partner.

Depression and isolation.

Abuse can leave victims depressed and emotionally drained. This can make it hard to act. And abusers try to isolate victims from family and friends so that the victims do not have anyone to support them if they do leave.

Cultural or religious pressures.

In some cases, friends, relatives, or faith leaders may encourage victims to stay to keep the family together no matter what.

Custody worries.

A person may worry about losing custody of their children if they leave.

Fear of being deported.

Victims that are immigrants might stay in an abusive relationship because their partners have threatened to have them deported. Not being fluent in English might also be a challenge.

Fear of getting in trouble.

In some relationships, both partners abuse each other. The abuse may be equal, or one partner may be more abusive than the other. A partner may worry about things like losing custody of their children or going to jail if they report the abuse.

Talk to a trusted friend. Find a local advocacy group, or talk to your doctor about the abuse.

Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233) for more safety tips. They can guide you to groups in your area that can help. Or go to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence website at www.thehotline.org to learn more.

Domestic violence groups or a counselor in your area can help you make a safety plan for yourself and your children.

When to call for help

Call 911 anytime you think you may need emergency care. For example, call if:

• You think that you or someone you know is in danger of being abused.
• You have been hurt and can't have someone safely take you to emergency care.
• You have just been abused.
• A family member has just been abused.

Teen dating violence is dangerous for you physically and emotionally. It can also put you at risk for other health problems, such as:

• Eating disorders.
• Depression.
• Low self-esteem.

Teens in abusive relationships are also more likely to take sexual risks, do poorly in school, and use drugs, alcohol, and tobacco. They are at a higher risk for pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). They are also more likely to be in an abusive relationship as an adult.

Intimate partner violence is a type of domestic abuse. It's threatening, emotionally harmful, or violent behavior in a personal relationship. It can happen between past or current partners or spouses. In some relationships both people abuse each other. One partner may be more abusive. Or the abuse may be equal.

Abuse can affect people of any ethnic group, race, or religion. It can affect teens, adults, or the elderly. And it can happen to people of any sexual orientation, gender, or social status.

Abusers use fear, bullying, and threats to control their partners. They may control what their partners do. They may control where their partners go or who they see. They may act jealous, controlling, or possessive. These early signs of abuse may happen soon after the start of the relationship. Sometimes it can be hard to notice abuse at first. But after the relationship becomes more serious, the abuse may get worse.

If you are being abused in your relationship, it's important to get help. The abuse is not your fault. You don't have to face it alone.

Be careful

It may not be safe to take home domestic abuse information like this handout. Some people ask a trusted friend to keep it for them. It's also important to plan ahead and to memorize the phone number of places you can go for help. If you are concerned about your safety, do not use your computer, smartphone, or tablet to read about domestic abuse.