What is teen relationship abuse?

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How can a teen know if a relationship is abusive?

Teens who abuse their partners do the same things as adults who abuse their partners. Teen dating violence is just as serious as adult domestic violence. And it's common.

Abusive relationships have good times and bad times. Part of what makes dating violence so confusing is that feelings like love or affection are sometimes mixed with the abuse. This can make it hard to tell if you're really being abused.

You deserve to be treated in a loving, respectful way at all times by your partner.

Ask yourself these questions. Does your partner:

  • Have a history of bad relationships or past violence?
  • Always blame their problems on other people?
  • Blame you for "making" them treat you badly?
  • Put you down in front of friends?
  • Try to use drugs or alcohol to get you alone when you don't want to be?
  • Try to control you by being bossy, not taking your opinion seriously, or making all of the decisions about who you see or what you wear?
  • Talk about people in sexual ways or talk about sex like it's a game or contest?
  • Pressure you to have or force you to have unprotected sex?
  • Constantly text you or call you to find out where you are and who you're with? You might think that's about caring, but it's really about controlling your relationship.
  • Threaten to hurt or kill themself?

Do you:

  • Feel less confident about yourself when you're with them?
  • Feel scared or worried about doing or saying "the wrong thing"?
  • Find yourself changing your behavior out of fear or to avoid a fight?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might be in an abusive relationship. Talk to your parents or another adult family member, a school counselor, or a teacher. Or you can get help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233) or go to www.thehotline.org or the National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline at 1-866-331-9474 (www.loveisrespect.org).

Remember, you're not alone. Talking really does help. And without help, the violence will only get worse.

Who is at risk of teen dating violence?

Teen dating violence affects all types of teens. It doesn't matter how much money your parents make, what your grades are, how you look or dress, your religion, or your race. Dating violence can happen to teens of any gender or sexual identity.

How can a parent help their teen who is in an abusive relationship?

Teens may not have the experience or maturity to know if their relationships are abusive. A teen may think of dating violence as only physical violence—pinching, slapping, hitting, or shoving. Teens may not realize that any relationship involving physical violence, sexual violence, emotional abuse, or the threat of violence is an unhealthy relationship.

For example, a teen may think their partner cares when they call, text, email, or check in all the time. But that kind of behavior may be about controlling the relationship.

Talk with your teen about what makes a healthy relationship. Explain that a caring partner wouldn't do something that causes fear, lowers self-esteem, or causes injury. Let teens know that they deserve respect in all of their relationships. Think about values and messages that you want to pass on.

You might start by asking your teen:

  • Is your partner easy to talk to when there are problems?
  • Do they give you space to spend time with other people?
  • Are they kind and supportive?

If you are concerned about your teen, there are people who can help you. You're not alone. Consider talking to a school counselor or your family doctor. Call a help center or hotline to get help. National hotlines can help you find resources in your area:

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline toll-free: 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233), or see the website at www.thehotline.org.
  • National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline toll-free: 1-866-331-9474 or (1-866-331-8453 TYY), or see the website at www.loveisrespect.org.

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